Nuestro pais/ Nuestro Isla de amor

I miss you and how our love reached from one great land to another. Where our families began their lives we returned to remain in love. But I left you and I should have seen I wish I had seen back then what I see now. What a foolish fool I am. But what we had was real and I am forever grateful. I cherish that great love I walked away from but NEVER EVER let go of!

What now

At this point in my life I am trying to take things slow and reevaluate my situation (because that is what is has become). Today I had little if nothing at all to say and I was simply taking in the things around me. So my husband decided that (because in the past) this meant I was angry. Sad but true yet as soon as I open my mouth I am snapped at and told that I am being angry when I was simply using a normal tone to make a suggestion. Well I went forward because I am tired of my past actions (which he negatively enforced) making it seem like people can read me. I am through I just want to be able to be and not be worried about "am I to quiet or to loud" I JUST WANNA BE ME!!!

I saved you ... who saves me

All of those moments I shared with you that now seem like a million years ago haunt me daily. I wonder what if ... why and why not? I saved you and by you being in my life you always saved me but now you are not here and that is because I pushed you away when you most needed me (I'm sorry) Little did you know I needed you too. I wonder where I would have been if I didn't allow myself to be so consumed by your rapture.

I only wish now that I could go back an do things over because though I knew the grass was greener because you said it was I still chose this life of which now I am heartbroken and so very alone. My hope has gone each time I see your happiness grows. I must find new hope within me. Thank you for saving me but now I must save myself. I don't really know how to take the first steps but I am trying. I do not yet know how strong I am but I soon will.

To little to late....

I know what he is doing because I myself have planned such things in my mind. But the actions to carry out these mysterious romances was not in my bag of tricks. I believe that this is not the right place for me any longer. Sadly its to little to late. A child is involved and I am not sure if I have the strength to sustain us both through yet another storm of his creation. My own intentions haven't always been ideal but they are mine and I have proven myself to God, my wanna be cheating husband and myself. Yet I find myself still at a loss. All the goals that seemed so close to like a house and a car are just a mirage. He never wanted what I wanted but was to heartless to say it out right before or after our child was born. Now we are both drifting through this life we no longer want together only I am morbidly obese and no one loves me the way i deserve to be loved and he will be looked at as a playboy and a man who got stuck. I will forever remain the fool (how sickening and sad). I could have had so much and yet even lost some in that other life where I too thought the grass might be greener but I stuck it out only to be relabeled a fool. So I embrace my foolishness and become a Jack Jill of all trades.

Quicksand....

Now a days every step forward I take is perceived as a step deeper into quicksand. I look ahead without hope in my eyes and this is what happens. "I gave it all up for nothing" I say to myself daily as if it has become my new mantra. I cant even look in that direction anymore and finding a new direction feels hopeless. With a child on your hip all you can do is crawl through and hope that someday someone throws you a rope or that you find a strong enough vine or tree root to pull yourself and the child on your hip out. Its one thing to be in a hole but even more worries to deal with when you are in quicksand.